Today looked very different from how I ever pictured. When I first found out I was pregnant with you back in August, I remember looking up when you would be due. You were my little April spring baby just like me. That also meant that I would have you with me for Mothers Day, a day I always dreamed about. Not that Mothers Day is one day, but really just the thought of being a Mother and celebrating that.
I’ve always known I wanted to be a Mom. It ran deep in my veins as a passion and desire for my life. Day dreaming about when that day would come for me and what Motherhood would look like was almost a weekly thing for me. Seeing those two pink lines on that Thursday night back in August made me realize my dreams were finally coming true. I would finally be a Mom, your Mom.
The nine months I got to carry you in my womb were the most special nine months of my life. I’ll admit, sometimes it felt like they would never end, and sometimes I couldn’t believe how fast it went by. I only had nine months with you and I would never trade that in the world. Every kick and wiggle will forever be engraved in my memory forever.
When I lost you, at first, it felt like I lost everything including my dream of being a Mom. A few months earlier your dad and I made the big decision that I would be a stay at home mom so that I could care for you full-time. It felt almost like my purpose as a Mom was completely crushed in an instant. I would never get to do things most moms get to experience. That was so hard for me to fathom.
I’m slowly realizing that my dreams of being a mom weren’t crushed. I AM your mom. I will ALWAYS be your mom. You will ALWAYS be my first-born, my sweet little boy.
I never knew my time with you would be so limited, but God did. He had a different plan for what Motherhood would look like for me. There are MANY days I struggle with that thought but I can still trust God’s faithfulness and goodness to me.
Today there were tears shed as my heart ached for you. My arms longed to hold you. But there was also laughter and smiles as I got to celebrate being your mom.
I’m thankful to be your mom. I’m thankful God allowed me to give you life, and carry you safely. I’m thankful you showed me a different love I’ve never felt before. I’m thankful you made a place in my heart forever. I’m thankful you are mine.
Colton, thank you for making me a Mom. xoxo
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”