It has been so long since I’ve sat here to write to you. I talk to you everyday in my head and blow you a kiss whenever I drive past Memorial Oaks on my way to work but it’s not the same as writing to you. Little did I know that I was pregnant with your brother or sister the last time I wrote a post. Of course, you know this because they are now in heaven with you. Geez, it just seems like life continues to go up and down. This past year has been filled with many of those rollercoaster moments. When I found out I was pregnant again I sobbed. It was a combination of shock, excitement and flash backs to the moments I found out I was pregnant with you. I was filled with joy to get another chance to be a mom here on earth but also so fearful of losing another one. Secretly, I thought that because we had suffered so much when we lost you that there is no way we would lose your sibling. God doesn’t work that way though. Not because he’s cruel, unfair, or enjoys watching us suffer. It’s because he knows the best plan for us and he above all is still good.
God allows us go through sorrow and pain to allow us to cling to Him. The trials we go through are never a surprise to Him. He knew before we were even created what we would go through.
“Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”
Two weekends ago our Women’s Retreat the theme was “Deeper Still” – Deeper in the Word, Deeper in our relationships with others, and Deeper in our relationship with God. My heart so needed this retreat. It was such a breath of fresh air to get away, think and pray through things and grow. Never have I ever felt as close as I have with God in the past 6 months. I truly believe God has been with your dad and I through these trials and isn’t going to leave us. Life is not easy, we’re never guaranteed a perfect or easy life as believers. We will suffer, but our response to that suffering is the choice we make. Two roads to take; one path.
I chose joy. Joy doesn’t mean a feeling of great pleasure and happiness with no cares to the world or our surroundings.
“Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope. It is something or someone that provides a source of happiness.”
That something or someone who provides a source of happiness is God.
Before I drove away from the doctors office after we found out we lost your sibling. I sat in the drivers seat and with tears streaming from my face and I just shouted, “Why do I have to keep suffering!” I just felt so crushed. Why, why, why! Kept repeating in my head. I called out to God in my sorrow and said I cant do this alone. But God was already there. He was holding me in his arms and comforted me in those moments. Some may not understand how I knew that. Its because a wave of peace just flowed over me. A peace that again I felt when I was laying in that hospital bed waiting to deliver you Colton.
“I sought the LORD, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears.”
God is doing amazing things through this storm. I can’t help but stand back in awe of seeing it all play out. God has given me a boldness in my faith I have never imagined I could have. But its all God. I am nothing without my God.
Time and time again I hear how your life has reached others and doing some powerful things. God chose you Colton to tell his story and has allowed us as your parents to be a tool to share it. Again, I’m so blessed to be your mom.
I long for the day to hold you again in my arms, and I’ll have your sibling in my other.