There Is No Heartbeat

There’s no heartbeat,” words that would shatter and change my life in a complete instant. It feels like a bad dream that I’m constantly trying to wake myself up from. 

I woke up the morning of April 24th feeling tired, sluggish, could barely walk and felt nauseous. I just assumed it was because I was nine months pregnant and was about to have my baby finally in two short days. I forced myself to get a shower and get ready because I was going to spend time with my parents before my regular scheduled doctors appointment. I had a list of questions I was going to ask my doctor about our scheduled induction. Gosh, I was so excited to know that the end was near and we would finally be a family of three. Alex was so excited to have a little boy. I was so excited to see them bond and see him as a father. 

I enjoyed the afternoon listening to my mom play on the keyboard she had purchased a few weeks earlier while she waited for her grandson to be born. When I was laying on their couch in the hotel room my dad had asked me if Colton was moving around. I just completely dismissed it and said “He’s just sleeping.” It was completely normal to not feel a lot of movement until the afternoon. He already was on such a consistent schedule that I felt so lucky that he would be an easy baby. 

My parents dropped me off in the afternoon at the doctors where Alex was waiting for me. I’m so thankful that Alex was there with me. I remember when I saw him I was excited to think this was our last time at the doctors. We joked with the nurse when she came in and talked about how ready we were. I remember laying on the table with the cold gel on my belly. She moved the doppler around and around. This time it sounded so differently. There normally would be a lot of swishing sounds until you could hear a definite heartbeat. All I could hear was silence. It seemed like forever and she finally said “I just can’t find it but sometimes it could be how the baby is positioned” She decided to get the doctor for her to try. When she left the room I felt like something just wasn’t right. Alex was so calm and reassured me to not jump to conclusions. 

We were moved to a room that had an ultrasound but it didn’t have sound. I remember looking at the screen and seeing my little boys body and could see his heart. It was a big black circle on the screen but it wasn’t pumping. I looked at my doctors face and I could tell something was horribly wrong. You could tell she was shocked and didn’t know how to explain it. She went to get the official ultrasound tech to check. My heart sank to my stomach. I prayed that the tech would be able to see what I couldn’t and tell us our baby was fine. We were again moved to another room where the ultrasound machine had sound to hear the heartbeat. I stared at the ceiling with my hands on my head. I just couldn’t look at the screen, I was so scared. It took less than a minute for me to hear those fateful words, “Theres no heartbeat.” I could hear the tech whisper “ I’m so sorry” and quietly leave the room. 

My world stopped in that moment. I cried out and wailed. Everything I knew about my sweet baby Colton was no longer true. He was gone and I would never have a chance to be his mom here on earth.  Alex grabbed me and sobbed. I think in that moment we didn’t know what to do. I felt so weak, I just couldn’t move and Alex had to tell me to breath. How could this happen?! My baby was perfectly fine, he was moving the night before. There was never a reason to think anything was wrong. 

The next few hours that passed seem like a fog. We immediately walked next door to the hospital. We ran into my parents outside and when I hugged my mom I felt like I was about to collapse in sorrow. Alex and I walked hand into labor and delivery. The nurses were ready and waiting for me. My eyes were filled with tears, I felt like I was floating and couldn’t comprehend what was happening. The nurses walked me into a room with a picture of a white rose taped to the door. This was really happening. My baby was gone.

I’ll never quite understand the whys or hows in this life. I will never understand why God chose us to go through this journey or why I can’t have my baby here with me. I do know that my God is good, gracious, loving, all-knowing and sovereign.

Psalm 100:5 “ For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.”

As hard as it is for me to want to understand, I know that God had this in his plan all along. It was never in his plan for him to live with us here on earth. Colton was formed in my womb, fearfully and wonderfully made in Gods image, FOR Gods glory. God blessed me to carry him for nine months in order for him to spend eternity with our Lord and Savior. He died in the safest place possible, in my womb and went straight to the arms of Jesus. With tears in my eyes as I write this, I think about how when he opened his eyes for the first time he got to see his Creator. 

My grief is very real though and I know it will be a long journey of healing. It has only been a week since this all happened. There are days where I just cry till my stomach is in knots wishing I had my baby. I long to have his sweet body next to me. To smell his soft skin and to hear his little cries. There are also moments where I’m at complete peace and feel hope for the future. It’s so hard to navigate through the ups and downs. 

Writing out my feelings helps heal me. It helps me not bottle up the emotions. I hope they can be an encouragement to someone, and if anything be reminded of Gods promise. 

Matthew 11:28-29 “ Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and i will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” 

10 Comments

  1. Jay Ables on May 1, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    You are a wonderful mom and Colton is beautiful. Thanks for being so brave to share your experience. We love your family!

  2. Debbie and Jim Kross on May 1, 2017 at 3:33 pm

    My heart continues to break Marie, as I think about you, and the absence of Colton, but we serve a great God, and even though we don’t understand, His ways are always perfect! Continuing to pray for comfort and peace that only our Lord can give. ❤️

  3. Carrie King on May 1, 2017 at 4:57 pm

    BLESS You both Coltons loving Mommy & Daddy, your such beautiful people, children of God but all grown up, and I know what wonderful parents you are, and would have been to Colton and to his siblings yet to come later. My prayers pour out to your aching Hearts..Love, Peace, and hugs with constant Prayers to your whole family..

  4. Wendi on May 1, 2017 at 6:04 pm

    Alex and Marie,
    I am so proud of you both. Writing your road of suffering is such sweet healing, I know it has been for me and I encourage you to keep going. The ifs and the whys can tear us apart, but leaning on the strength of Jesus gives us joy and hope. I’m so sorry that I won’t be able to come on Friday. I want to hug you both something fierce. Colton was loved, you are loved!
    Love your sister,
    💛Wendi

  5. Sandy Spahr on May 1, 2017 at 6:39 pm

    I don’t know you, but I’m Facebook friends with someone you know.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Your story mirrors the story of our son’s life and death in the womb a year and a half ago. I’m praying for you in this very moment to palpably feel the Lord’s presence and strength.

    I might be odd since we don’t know eachother, but if you ever want to talk, email, text or just read my blog as someone who’s been through something similar, please feel free to contact me. Email me to get my phone number if you’d like.

    spahr.jacob.sandy@gmail.com

    https://sandraspahr.wordpress.com

  6. Joyce Eggerth on May 2, 2017 at 10:17 am

    My heart breaks for all you have to go through. No words to say or anything I can do….but know that you are loved and being lifted up prayer. I am so sorry that all of this happened. But I am inspired by your faith and trust in the Lord at this worst of times in your life. May He carry you and may you feel His loving arms around you. Love you…….

  7. amy on May 2, 2017 at 11:39 am

    Alex and Marie, our hearts break for you guys. You are in our thoughts and prayers daily. michael and the girls come home from school and ask about you both. I wish we were closer so we as a family could attend on Friday and help you guys with anything you needed
    love to you both,
    Amy and family

  8. […] carry in the Juchniewicz family of men. That was not the reason I cried. In Marie’s post, There Is No Heartbeat, she describes what her experience was through her lens, my story is vastly different. You can […]

  9. Don and Karen Moulton on May 2, 2017 at 6:20 pm

    Marie, our hearts ache for the loss of Colton…your sweet baby boy, and our little grandson. As your parents, we are so grateful we were with you and able to walk this road with you both. Watching you go through one of the greatest heartaches a mother can go through, the loss of a baby in your womb, has just made us in awe of your strength and deep faith in God. We know this is a greater tragedy than what most mothers will ever have to face! But you have shown a strength that far exceeds your age. Your faith in God and His plan has been such a gift to those around you. You are a wonderful daughter and we know God will keep His strong and loving arms around you!! We love you so much❤️

  10. Jackie Juchniewicz on May 3, 2017 at 7:11 am

    Dearest Marie, We are so thankful for you. Alex and you are the perfect pair to grieve together and encourage each other; God has a special way with grief, when one of you is falling apart, the other is a strong fortress. You have surrounded yourselves with an army to fight with you and encourage you.
    “Two are better than one; because the have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift his fellow…And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a THREE stranded cord is not easily broken.” Eccl. 4:9-12
    Curt and I are so blessed that we could share in this time with you. Those days in the hospital were so real and raw, we will never be the same.
    We will be here for you, one small step at time. We love you and hurt along with you, all the while having faith is our mighty God. “Great is Thy Faithfulness, oh God my Father, morning by morning, new mercies I see.” Love, Jackie

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