“There’s no heartbeat,” words that would shatter and change my life in a complete instant. It feels like a bad dream that I’m constantly trying to wake myself up from.
I woke up the morning of April 24th feeling tired, sluggish, could barely walk and felt nauseous. I just assumed it was because I was nine months pregnant and was about to have my baby finally in two short days. I forced myself to get a shower and get ready because I was going to spend time with my parents before my regular scheduled doctors appointment. I had a list of questions I was going to ask my doctor about our scheduled induction. Gosh, I was so excited to know that the end was near and we would finally be a family of three. Alex was so excited to have a little boy. I was so excited to see them bond and see him as a father.
I enjoyed the afternoon listening to my mom play on the keyboard she had purchased a few weeks earlier while she waited for her grandson to be born. When I was laying on their couch in the hotel room my dad had asked me if Colton was moving around. I just completely dismissed it and said “He’s just sleeping.” It was completely normal to not feel a lot of movement until the afternoon. He already was on such a consistent schedule that I felt so lucky that he would be an easy baby.
My parents dropped me off in the afternoon at the doctors where Alex was waiting for me. I’m so thankful that Alex was there with me. I remember when I saw him I was excited to think this was our last time at the doctors. We joked with the nurse when she came in and talked about how ready we were. I remember laying on the table with the cold gel on my belly. She moved the doppler around and around. This time it sounded so differently. There normally would be a lot of swishing sounds until you could hear a definite heartbeat. All I could hear was silence. It seemed like forever and she finally said “I just can’t find it but sometimes it could be how the baby is positioned” She decided to get the doctor for her to try. When she left the room I felt like something just wasn’t right. Alex was so calm and reassured me to not jump to conclusions.
We were moved to a room that had an ultrasound but it didn’t have sound. I remember looking at the screen and seeing my little boys body and could see his heart. It was a big black circle on the screen but it wasn’t pumping. I looked at my doctors face and I could tell something was horribly wrong. You could tell she was shocked and didn’t know how to explain it. She went to get the official ultrasound tech to check. My heart sank to my stomach. I prayed that the tech would be able to see what I couldn’t and tell us our baby was fine. We were again moved to another room where the ultrasound machine had sound to hear the heartbeat. I stared at the ceiling with my hands on my head. I just couldn’t look at the screen, I was so scared. It took less than a minute for me to hear those fateful words, “Theres no heartbeat.” I could hear the tech whisper “ I’m so sorry” and quietly leave the room.
My world stopped in that moment. I cried out and wailed. Everything I knew about my sweet baby Colton was no longer true. He was gone and I would never have a chance to be his mom here on earth. Alex grabbed me and sobbed. I think in that moment we didn’t know what to do. I felt so weak, I just couldn’t move and Alex had to tell me to breath. How could this happen?! My baby was perfectly fine, he was moving the night before. There was never a reason to think anything was wrong.
The next few hours that passed seem like a fog. We immediately walked next door to the hospital. We ran into my parents outside and when I hugged my mom I felt like I was about to collapse in sorrow. Alex and I walked hand into labor and delivery. The nurses were ready and waiting for me. My eyes were filled with tears, I felt like I was floating and couldn’t comprehend what was happening. The nurses walked me into a room with a picture of a white rose taped to the door. This was really happening. My baby was gone.
I’ll never quite understand the whys or hows in this life. I will never understand why God chose us to go through this journey or why I can’t have my baby here with me. I do know that my God is good, gracious, loving, all-knowing and sovereign.
Psalm 100:5 “ For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.”
As hard as it is for me to want to understand, I know that God had this in his plan all along. It was never in his plan for him to live with us here on earth. Colton was formed in my womb, fearfully and wonderfully made in Gods image, FOR Gods glory. God blessed me to carry him for nine months in order for him to spend eternity with our Lord and Savior. He died in the safest place possible, in my womb and went straight to the arms of Jesus. With tears in my eyes as I write this, I think about how when he opened his eyes for the first time he got to see his Creator.
My grief is very real though and I know it will be a long journey of healing. It has only been a week since this all happened. There are days where I just cry till my stomach is in knots wishing I had my baby. I long to have his sweet body next to me. To smell his soft skin and to hear his little cries. There are also moments where I’m at complete peace and feel hope for the future. It’s so hard to navigate through the ups and downs.
Writing out my feelings helps heal me. It helps me not bottle up the emotions. I hope they can be an encouragement to someone, and if anything be reminded of Gods promise.