Being hooked up to an IV, filling out paperwork and getting introduced to the nurses who would be taking care of me was a surreal moment. This is not how it was supposed to be. There wasn’t suppose to be tears and sorrow but instead joy and excitement. I kept crying out to Alex that we were so close, we were only two days away from him being here. How could God allow this to happen? As I lay in that bed with a constant stream of tears flowing from my eyes, I knew that I still had a long road ahead of me in the hours to come. I still had to deliver my sweet baby. Physically I had prepared myself for what labor would be like the last couple of months. I knew it would be hard and painful but nothing could have ever prepared me emotionally giving birth to my baby who was already gone. I knew I had to, there was no other option.
I’m thankful for the 12+ hours it took to get my body ready to start labor. It helped to have time to sort of process everything. I fell asleep that first night in the hospital with a horrible headache and woke up with an indescribable peace. I kept waking up with worship songs in my head. Just little verses here and there praising God. I knew this was God comforting my heart. I scrolled through my phone to try to find a song that would describe the pain I was feeling. I found the song With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman and immediately felt like God gave me those words reflect on. I listened to the song on repeat over and over again.
“And we can cry with hope
We can say good-bye with hope
‘Cause we know our good-bye is not the end
And we can grieve with hope
‘Cause we believe with hope
There’s a place where we’ll see your face again
We’ll see your face again”
The next morning we started on Pitocin and I was able to get an epidural. It was a long day and I dreaded every minute of it. I remember at one point hearing a babies first cries in the room next to me. I just sobbed because I would never hear my baby cry. I would never be able to comfort my sweet boy in my arms. My nurse and Alex just hugged me. No pain medicine could heal this mamas broken heart. Only Christ my savior could. I knew throughout the day that he was close to me.
Psalm 34:18 – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
I still wanted to shout in anger why I had to go through this. I wanted to walk out of that hospital and pretend like it never happened. I struggled with the thoughts of “if only we had a c-section on Saturday maybe he would be here and be ok.”
I’ll never forget laying in that hospital bed in silence when my water broke. For the last month I’ve been obsessing over when that would happen and when I would tell Alex that it was time. It was just another horrible reminder that it was getting closer to delivering him. Such a sweet and exciting moment in a woman’s pregnancy became a painful stab to my heart.
When it was time to get ready an army of nurses came in. All the bright lights were turned on, my doctor arrived and I knew this was it. With Alex on one side and my sweet and caring nurse on the other I began pushing. I felt an unbelievable amount of strength which I know only can come from God. I forced myself to remain focus and do whatever it took. I wanted to be strong for him. After 1 1/2 hours of pushing I felt the release of him from my body. The room was silent and they quietly took my baby away to clean him off. This was the moment I had to prepared myself for. It was so painful to know that he was no longer apart of me physically. I cried and sobbed the whole time my doctor stitched me up. Alex wrapped his arms around me as time stood still. Alex prayed with me that God would give us peace and comfort. I could hear my doctor trying to hold back the tears.
It was comforting to know the cause of his death right away. When the doctor pulled him out they could see a big knot by his feet. I’m thankful that I don’t have to sit and wonder and question what happened. My sweet baby never had to go through the pain and suffering of this world. Every time I think about it I’m just so comforted knowing that he died peacefully.
I think about what it would have looked like for him to enter into the kingdom of heaven, with God there with his hands open wide waiting to embrace my son. I think about how he gets to hear the angels sing and praise our most precious Lord and Savior. His first steps will be on the streets of gold. He will always be my baby and my son. I’m thankful that he is our sweet angel who has helped me lean on God more than I ever have in my entire life.
Revelation 21:4 – “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”