Not a day or moment goes by that I don’t think of you. It’s crazy how the smallest of things will make me think of you or my pregnancy. Sometimes those memories make me smile and remember a wonderful time when I was carrying you and sometimes they make my heart hurt and I cry for you. My emotions as you can imagine are like a rollercoaster. Most times though I feel at peace and know you are looking down at us. I’m thankful for that peace as I heal my broken heart.
I have a picture of you on my home screen on my phone. I open my phone probably 30x a day just so I can see you’re sweet face. Every time I stare at your picture I see a lot of your dad and I in you. You definitely had my little nose which makes me so happy. When I was little I would always talk about my nose and how I liked it; Yes, I know kinda weird but when I saw you had mine I couldn’t help but laugh. You also had my chubby cheeks. I’m so sorry you got my genes on that one. But for the record you looked so cute with those cheeks. I’m so glad I got to kiss them as they will always be a memory of mine. I just wish I could have seen how you would have grown into them. When your dad and I studied your little features we realized you had his chin and his lips. Your hair was a light brown, not too dark and not too light. You were a perfect mix of the two of us. But how could I possibly forget how BIG your feet were and how you’re legs were so long. Theres no doubt in my mind that you would have been tall like your daddy and how you probably would have already passed me in height by the time you were entering high school. As I type this I have tears falling from my face, not because I’m sad but because I’m so happy you were mine. You were and are absolutely perfect.
A couple of days ago your dad and I were able to get out of the house. He’s so good at encouraging me to get fresh air and breathe. We were able to go to Memorial Oaks where you will be and we paid off your marker. It feels so good to know that I will get to see your name soon and have a place to visit you. During the rest of that day we ran simple errands and talked a lot about you and our future. We laughed a lot talking in the car. Your dad always knows how to make me laugh. I even told your dad that something I wish I could have seen was him making you laugh but I know you are up in heaven laughing at him and smiling. It felt so good to laugh. Even though this difficult time I’m finding joy. I’m especially joyful because I get to be your mom and that makes me so happy.
My sweet baby, I love you so much. I wish I could give you a big hug. You are one of the best things that have ever happened to me. Through you God is allowing me to grow in ways I never thought possible. Because I get to be your mom I’m stronger each and everyday. You’ve truly changed my life Colton. I love you and miss you.