One Month

Dear Colton,

1 month

31 days

44,640 minutes

2,678,400 seconds

…have passed since I last held you in my arms and kissed your forehead. Saying goodbye has never been so hard in my life. My heart broke in pieces a month ago knowing that would be the last time I see you in your physical body here on earth.

It was my last day in the hospital before being released home. I had packed my bags, gathered my teddy bear and flowers that were given by our nurse from the Pink’s Women Center, and signed the papers to be released. Looking around the room it didn’t feel real. I was missing something. I was missing you.

Our nurse that day went to get you so I could see you one last time before we left to head home. Sitting on my hospital bed I held you. I cried over you. Your dad and I talked to you for a long time. I never want to forget that moment. I could have sat there forever if I could because I knew the moment I gave you back to the nurse, I would never get you back.

I remember I kept touching your soft cheek, and brushing my finger along your face. Your grandma did that for me when I was a baby to help me sleep. I had always longed to be able to do that for my child, to comfort them while I rocked them in my arms. It would be the only time I had that opportunity with you. Eventually I knew it was time to go. It was so painful to give you back to the nurse but I knew I had to. Being wheeled out of the hospital clutching the teddy bear I was given, and leaving without my baby is something I would never wish upon anyone. I felt like I was in a movie and that it wasn’t really happening to me.

I know i’ve said this a thousand times but I find comfort in knowing I’ll see you again and will never have to say goodbye. We will be reunited together in heaven where I can hold you again and kiss your sweet little head.

I often think about what you will look like when I see you again in heaven. I recently read 1 Corinthians 15:35-58 where it talks about how our earthly bodies are different than our heavenly bodies.

“…Our earthly bodies are planted in the ground when we die, but they will be raised to live forever. Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. They are buried as natural human bodies, but they will be raised as spiritual bodies. For just as there are natural bodies, there are also spiritual bodies.” 1 Corinthians 15:42-44

“As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the heavenly man, so also are those who are of heaven. And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we bear the image of the heavenly man.” 1 Corinthians 15:48-49

To me, you were absolutely perfect but I know you have been made completely perfect in God’s image in heaven.

Colton, this last month has been the most difficult I’ve ever experienced. It’s been so hard knowing you are not with us and somehow finding a way to move forward slowly in our life. Grief is such a hard thing to navigate. I’m thankful for friends who let me talk about you as much as I want and they love talking about you as well. You are incredibly special to so many people.

This past month when I take walks around our lake at the end of our street I think about you every time. The lake is a place I find peace and pray for God’s comfort. I pray that God will allow me to see joy in the little things and for him to heal my broken heart. It’s a place where I feel close to you because your dad and I walked around it almost every week when I was pregnant. I can think of the many times I would walk so slow and he would make fun of me because I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and waddled. Or when the time we were half way around the lake and you were pressing against my bladder and had to go to the bathroom so bad I felt like I wasn’t going to make it. I had never walked so hard and fast in my life, but I was determined to get home and sure enough I made it just in time!

There have been many first’s without you this month. Going back to church, our first time at life group, my first mothers day, first time going back to the doctors office for my postpartum check up are just a few things that were difficult. The first of anything are so hard for me knowing you aren’t experiencing them with us. I know that there will be many more firsts to come but I just try to think that you are with us. You are always with us. Maybe not physically, but I know you are watching down on us and I carry you in my heart forever.

Happy one month in Heaven. I know God is holding you in his arms right now as I type. I love you forever my baby.