Fly Fly Away

Dear Colton,

Well I actually did it. I got my first tattoo a few weeks ago. Some people may be surprised to know I never had a desire to get a tattoo especially since your dad is covered with them. Don’t get me wrong, I love the look of tattoos and how they can be so symbolic and tell a story about someone’s life or experiences, but I never thought there would be anything I would want to get. In my mind there were four really important steps I needed to take before I ever got something so permanent.

1. I needed to have a very good reason to get one; like a significant moment in my life or something incredibly important to me
2. I had to figure out something I really liked that would symbolize step 1
3. I had to find a placement I felt comfortable with and where I would want it the rest of my life
4. I had to think about steps 1-3 for a long time to make sure it was something I really wanted to follow through

When I lost you Colton it was really the first time my world had been shaken. Overall my life has been pretty easy. I grew up with an amazing family, have extremely supportive parents, never lost a family member, went to a great college, never really struggled financially or have lost a job, etc. I truly feel God has blessed me more than I deserve. Never in a million years did I think I would be walking down the road I am right now. There have been many emotions that have passed over me the last three months; shock, brokenness, heart wrenching pain, and deep sorrow. Through this I have also never felt so loved, had so much peace and felt closer to God and your dad until now.

I knew almost immediately I wanted to get something to symbolize you in a unique way, as well as having you close to me for the rest of my life. My tattoo is a little bird (that’s you) flying away up in the sky and two birds (your dad and I) sitting on a branch close together and watching the little bird fly away. This represents how I just picture you peacefully leaving this earth and flying to heaven. I wanted the tattoo on my left arm to have the little bird be flying towards my hand because I picture you flying into the hands of God. I cry when I think about you leaving this earth and how I miss you so much. Sometimes I wonder what that was like for you when you passed and left us but am confident you are safe in heaven.

When I was getting the tattoo it was definitely a painful experience and brought back memories of delivering you. At the time I knew you were already gone but I had to be tough, be strong and do it for you. Getting this tattoo I thought the same thoughts. I kept telling myself I wanted to do this for you. Delivering you naturally has shown me I can truly be so much stronger than I ever imagined. There’s not much else that could or would ever compare to that experience.

Colton, I know I say this a lot but you changed my life in so many ways. You have shown me things about myself that I never knew I could do or qualities I had hidden deep down inside me. I’m so happy that every time I look at my arm I can remember you. I carry you now forever in my arms.