My First Day Back Since You Went Home

For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life. Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
Psalm 143:11

 

Dear Colton,

Today was my first day back at work since you went home to our heavenly father. I am reminded of you throughout my day because this office is where you were brought up at least once a week in conversation to my co-workers, asking how your mom was doing and I would get asked “Are you ready to be a dad?” These thoughts have not been on my mind much over the last month and right now they are stirring up emotions that are making it hard to want to be here.

Your mom and I have had many discussions about how I have reacted to you not being with us and you have taught me so much Colton, you truly have. You have taught me how to love and serve your mom exceptionally and bring us closer together than we ever thought possible. You have given me encouragement to know that God does have a purpose for all of us and being dependent on Him. You reached hundreds of people and non-believers with your story that God has allowed us to tell about your life.

Sitting in my office I can remember thinking about the ways I was going to be a Dad. How I would dress you up in some awesome boy baby clothes so you could be a mini version of me. Being able to show off my son and be the next generation of male Juchniewicz’s to carry on our name. Spending time with you and figuring out how not to drop you when I would give your mom a break to sleep and be able to bond with you. There are so many thoughts that flood my mind now that haven’t been there before. I can recall one afternoon here at work, I was talking to my co-worker about preparing for the hospital and what to expect when it was time to drive there to go into labor. We talked about fighting off the rude nurses and me protecting your mom so she could rest and get better. We laughed at how much sleep I would lose once you got here and coming into work looking like a zombie with huge circles around my eyes. I won’t be able teach you how to drive a car, flirt with women and get into trouble like I was good at (that’s how I got your mom to marry me!), see you graduate high school and help you pack to go off to college. Despite all of that, the greatest gift that I was able to witness and is probably the best of all, God allowed me to meet you and see you when you went to be with him in heaven.

Over the past month I have started to get counseling and have committed to your mom to get help on how to deal with the process of you losing you. As you already know, I suffer from depression and anxiety, so coming back to work was extremely hard for me, and still is. This morning on my drive to work I listened to worship music on our local Christian station, wanting to be able to turn the car around, go home and retreat back to my solitude of not doing anything. However, I didn’t turn around. I got up, showered, and showed up to work today despite my heavy heart, despite my 3-4 hours of sleep last night, and despite knowing that coming would be extremely difficult. Colton, I miss you a lot and even thought my relationship was different with you than your mother’s, you are my son and I am so proud to call you that.

Here is my prayer this week:

“Lord, thank you for allowing me to show up here today at work, thank you for blessing me with a job I can come to. Would you help me with my struggles and stress of things I am battling in my heart. I thank you Lord for Colton and his impact on my life as his father just as you now are his heavenly father. I pray that he watches over our family and knows that he is and will always be a part of our family. Would you bless the people that I interact with on a daily basis, would you show me how to love on others and give me the strength to not focus on my trials but to be present in the moment for them. Lord, I know you will guide me through this storm and continue to reveal your plan you have for my life. Thank you for today, I love you with all my heart. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

2 Comments

  1. Jeanette on May 31, 2017 at 2:30 am

    Thank you Alex for sharing what you are going through emotionally. And being reminded everyone goes through grief differently at different times! No matter when and where your little one comes to mind, God will give you the strength to be present and to calm the storm.

    “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah.”
    ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46:1-3

    “The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah.”
    ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46:11‬

    I have no doubt Colton looks down over you and Marie, while he is singing praises to God. Love you both!!!

  2. Margaret Lech-Loubet on June 16, 2017 at 9:26 am

    Hello Alex and Marie. I’m a friend of Jack, Eleanor, Don and Karen. I am sending you love, support, positive thoughts. It may be that at some time, God will let you know why he needed Colton back with him so soon. It may be that God wishes you to continue on a journey to realize why over time. Regardless, the was a reason that Colton was called back and there is something good that will come from this. I hope that your hearts heal and find comfort with each other, your family, your friends. Please know that we are all sending you a bit of our hearts to help you heal yours. Will keep you in our thoughts. Margaret Lech-Loubet

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